I Will Never Leave You…

So, when I left you all last, I was getting ready to begin my finals. I mentioned that a lot was on the line regarding my grades. A ‘C-‘ in nursing school is failing. I had a C in one class going into the final, so I was very worried. This was the class that gave me the most stress all semester. The new curriculum at my school has really tested me. All this time I was trying my best to get myself out of this hole. But as I mentioned in my last post, I had to take a step back and realize that I need to just leave all my worries in the hands of my Savior.

While I had much worry and stress going into finals week, I had peace. I could feel my friends praying for me. I could feel that the Lord was with me. Before taking my finals, I prayed. To my surprise I felt really calm while taking these finals. I knew that whether good or bad, God would take care of me. It was the sweetest feeling. Nothing quite like that sweet peace God gives you in the midst of some of the most stressful times.

After taking the finals, I left feeling confident. When I saw that I got an ‘A’ on my Patho Pharm final, I couldn’t help but rejoice. Trying to learn 92 drugs for that final was stressful and tiring, but it all paid off! God was with me through it all. My last final was the final that was the most crucial because of the grade I had in it, as stated above. This class and the professor may be the worst I’ve ever had. The professor even told me to my face that I was, “A bad test taker.” Each exam I studied harder and harder just to find myself hitting my head up against the wall, getting nowhere, doing no better. Her words made my confidence slip and made part of me want to just give up, whether I realized it or not. When I found out that the final for that class was my highest grade from all my finals, all I could do was smile and thank my God. At this moment I felt happy, yet so unworthy of these good grades that only God could have given me. I have failed Him countless times, yet He continues to be merciful and take me back each time. I give Him all the glory for my successes. They would be worth nothing if it weren’t for Him.

Lately I have been praying about many things regarding my life and future. I am a big worrier, I must admit. I like to be in control (who doesn’t!). However, the past week God has given me an indescribable peace about my future. I realize I don’t need to worry about it, because God has it all in His hands. He has it already planned out. He knows best. All I had to do was come to terms with that fact and have faith in Him. And honestly, it is such a relief! It’s so amazing! Yeah, it’s sometimes easy for my flesh to step in form time to time and forget that, but nevertheless, it’s all still true.

Within just the past few weeks I feel like I have grown so much in Him. There is no better joy in the world than having a relationship with God. Even though it sounds simple, God never leaves us, even though we might leave Him sometimes. It’s one thing to believe it, but its another thing to live by it and put complete trust in Him. 

“You’ve Been Walking With Me All This Time”

I remember the moment, I remember the pain
I was only a girl, but I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know You saw me

Hiding there in my bedroom, so alone
I was doing my best, trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That’s when I met You

All this time, from the first tear cried
‘Till today’s sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I
You’ve been walking with me all this time
Ooh, oh, oohh
Ooh, oh, oohh
You’ve been walking with me all this time

Ever since that day, it’s been clear to me
That no matter what comes, You will never leave
I know You’re for me
And You’re restoring

Every heartache and failure, every broken dream
You’re the God who sees, the God who rescued me
This is my story
This is my story

All this time, from the first tear cried
‘Till today’s sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I
You’ve been walking with me all this time

I hear these people asking me
How do I know what I believe
Well, I’m not the same me, and that’s all the proof I need
I felt love, I felt Your grace
You stole my heart that day

-Britt Nicole 

This song came on the radio during my drive back to Indy. Tears fell from my eyes as I was driving, with a very thankful heart. The first verse gets me every time because it reminds me of myself. One night I was just too afraid to sleep for fear that I might die and go to hell during the night, or that Jesus would come back. My family was asleep and I didn’t want to wake them and make them think something was wrong with me. I laid in my bed, crying and praying for God to save my soul. That night he changed my life forever.

It’s so easy to get caught up in this world, with school and work, and forget about what our true purpose in life is. I know lately school has been a huge burden, not knowing whether I am going to pass some of my classes. I have put more effort in trying to find my own way thorough this valley, thinking I could do it alone. But the truth is, I can’t. Only God can give me strength to get through this rough patch in my life. I am nothing without His help. 

It is such a blessing to know that no matter what comes our way, God is always there. In the midst of this valley I’m in, I have peace. Peace that my Savior has all my cares and worries in His hands. Peace that He will never leave me, nor forsake me. Peace that passeth all understanding. I spent the past semester worrying about my grades, but now realize there is nothing to fear. I just had to let go and have faith that God will pull me through. 

I really should be studying for finals, but I had to take a moment to just praise my God for His goodness and mercy. His love never fails. My heart is overflowing. This has been a wonderful Sunday.  ❤

 

 

“Lord, Please Keep Making Me.”

“Keep Making Me” by Sidewalk Prophets 

Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When You are with me
Make me empty

Chorus
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

This song is my prayer. The lyrics are simple, but sometimes the simple things affect and direct our minds and hearts the most to what really matters. 

The month of February was quite a struggle. Nursing school has challenged me to re-question where I am supposed to be, if this career is right for me, if I should possibly transfer to Columbus, and some other things. Many students, including myself have had very bad experiences with one class in particular and the professor. It is so bad that right now I am not even passing the class, as well as many others, and it is a very scary thing. I am so used to A’s and B’s, so I spoke with this professor about my concerns. She precedes to tell me that my studying skills seem fine, but she thought i was just a bad test taker. This statement has affected  my education more than I thought it would, for fear that I would become a bad nurse. In nursing school grades aren’t everything though, and that’s what I need to keep in mind. Learning the material is the most important. Struggles make it easy to want to give up. However, I know the Lord has to be pleased first and foremost. 

Last night as I was laying in my bed I began praying with these concerns heavy on my heart, however, I realized that I needed to take a moment to just thank Him first of all He has done for me. He has blessed me so much and I am so undeserving of all of them. 

1. First and foremost he gave me the greatest gift of all, salvation. 

2. He has given me a great church that is so supportive and caring.

3. He has given me a great family who supports me through times of struggle. A family who still loves me despite all of my failures and imperfections. ❤

4. A great work family at Hobby Lobby. I couldn’t ask for a better group of inspiring, caring, and thoughtful people. You have all made a good impact in my life in some way. Working for a Christian company with Christian people has been an incredible blessing. ❤

5. A great group of nursing students who are supportive of each other and care for each other in hopes to be successful in our program. I couldn’t get through the program without you all. ❤

6. A great roommate, cousin and best friend who is there whenever I need her. She is such a blessing.

These don’t even scratch the surface of all the things I am thankful for. Despite all of the bad things that have been going on lately, I have been so blessed to have so many people to support me. Most of all, I have God, the greatest friend, my Heavenly Father, who has my best intentions in mind. I could not make it though this life without his constant grace, mercy, and perfect love. The song mentioned above made me realize that in this life I don’t only need to strive to be a good daughter, friend, nurse, or coworker, but I also need to strive to be more like Him. He is the ultimate role model, the One who took on human flesh and lived a perfect life, the One who died so that I might live, the One who imputed His perfect love in my heart. Who wouldn’t want to strive to be more like Him?!

Finally, I want to thank all my readers for taking the time to read my blogs. It means more than you know. ❤

Have a great day, everyone!

Finding My “Type”

Coming from a young woman who has never had a real boyfriend, relationship or even her first kiss, dating is a topic that certainly doesn’t hit close to home. However, as I grow older I learn more and more about when/if that day happens, how it should happen and why.

Of course as a young girl I always day dreamed of that knock-you-off-your-feet moment when Prince Charming comes and steals your heart for life and live happily ever after. As many people know, many times it doesn’t happen that way. To this day it is still something that seems ideal in my mind, but not completely realistic.

Throughout high school I figured my time would come to find that special guy who would sweep me off my feet, but that moment never came. I began to ponder if something was wrong with me, if it was my looks or my personality. I began to pray for my future husband. And while these things still sometimes run through my mind, as a college sophomore, I now realize there is something much bigger that controls when/if I ever have a relationship with a man… God.

I have recently came to the conclusion that not all relationships start as relationships. Many start with a simple friendship. The older I get, the more this fact seems ideal and realistic. Jumping right into something with someone you hardly know is a recipe for disaster, unless God of course is leading the relationship from the very beginning.

Although this post is about relationships, I don’t want you all to think that’s what I’m obsessed with. My desire is for the Lord’s will to be fulfilled in my life. A relationship can seriously affect one’s desire to follow God in a positive or negative way, and I pray that God will just guide me where He would have me to be. Without God’s guidance, it’s like driving a car blindfolded. There would be no clear purpose or reasoning for a relationship other than pure selfishness.

Many people have often asked me what I look for in a potential boyfriend. Of course we all have our own “types”. But my “type” has changed over my lifetime. It has varied from looks, to material things, to the amount of education he may have. Now I can honestly say none of those things really matter as long as he is man who loves the Lord. His looks don’t matter (hygiene does! Hahaha), his job, his level of education and everything else that will one day fade away doesn’t amount to anything in the great scheme of things. I want a man who chooses the Lord’s will above all else. One who will choose going to church over going to work on Sunday. One who will be a good spiritual leader in a family. A humble spirit and a kind heart. A man who respects and trusts The Lord. A man who loves The Lord more than he will ever love me.

It is sometimes easy to get impatient with God and his timing for the right one, but He knows what He’s doing. He has a perfect plan for all of His children and knowing that fact makes it easier to wait. Whatever His plan for my life, I will be grateful and thankful. Until that time arrives, I will continue to pray for my future husband and praise my God for His many blessings. It is simply amazing to know that God, the one with the most power holds all our worries and cares in His hands. 💜

A Redirected Mind

As my first semester of nursing school has drawn to a close, I have realized many changes have came into my life, whether physical, emotional or spiritual. Before my sophomore year of college began, I knew I wanted to change the way I went about balancing school, work, family, and church. Looking back on my first year of college I was so proud of the fact I got all A’s and has a 4.0 GPA. However, to get there, I realized many other things had to suffer, such as my time with family, my friends and my church, and therefore my spiritual relationship with God. I realized I put my schoolwork above all else just so I could get into the competitive nursing program. I had to have those A’s and the perfect 4.0 GPA. I am one who believes education is good and important, but my family and more importantly, my God come first. It’s one thing to believe, but it’s another to put that belief in action.

This semester I started out tried to set priorities, first by leaving my part time job to allow more time to study, to be in the Nursing Honors Program, be with family and follow my burden of helping the youth group at church. As the semester progressed I became very overwhelmed with learning the ways of the nursing school and with some hard classes. I saw that my grades were not as good as they were last year and I began to get anxious and worried to lose my 4.0 GPA. Through much prayer I knew that the Nursing Honors Program wasn’t something that God wanted for me. Although I wanted to do it because I want to go to grad school in the future, I realized that I really only wanted that to make myself look impressive to others; it was a pride thing.

Here now it is the end of the semester, grades are coming in and I got my first B. I am partially disappointed in myself, but really, I am content. I have no reason to complain. I am so blessed to be where I am in the nursing school. I can say that I achieved my goal this semester of not getting so wrapped up in books and grades and instead look upon the more important things in life. My relationship with God has been more than great and my relationship with my family has been better than ever. Grades are only temporary. A student works for a semester to get one grade. I would much rather invest in something that lasts forever.

I want God to be the first priority in my life, no matter what. When it comes time to get a job, He is the first one I need to go to. When it comes to a spouse, He is the one who will direct my path. When it comes to raising m children, He is the one who will save them and keep them secure. Without God, I am nothing. I could have a 4.0 GPA, a doctorate degree, be the president of some big society and be well known, but without God, none of it would be worth it. I would trade it all just to have the relationship with my Savior. So what I got my first B? So what I don’t have a 4.0 GPA anymore? It was worth it to give that small amount of time to the Lord. I know He will take care of me even though I am so undeserving.

Goal for next semester: begin reading the Bible through again! Let’s do it!

Filled With a Burden

It has been a while since I have posted anything. June has been a really busy month and this past week my church has been in revival. We have had some good services  and messages from both our revival helper and our new pastor. We have also had some lost seeking the Lord. After church just about each night my family would discuss the service, how they felt, what the sermon was about, etc. Throughout the week I, personally had felt something was off at church. The preachers seemed to be enjoying themselves, but I just felt like something was in the way. I discussed it with my mother and she felt the same way. We were both discouraged by the lack of obligation that some of the church members had to the church, letting it overtake our attention during some of the services. 

On Saturday night our new pastor, Jonathon Elliott preached from the 51st Psalms. It was a Psalm of David asking the Lord to forgive him of depth of sin he had got himself in. He lusted after Bathsheba and she ended up pregnant. He then sought after her husband to have him return from battle so the people would believe the baby was her husband’s rather than David’s. That plan failed, as Bathsheba’s husband felt that it was his duty to fight in the battle and did not return to her. David then created a plan that would have her husband killed in battle so he could marry Bathsheba. David had to keep going deeper and deeper into sin to cover the first one. Each sin led him farther and farther away from God. He lost the joy of his salvation. In the 51st Psalm David was calling out and repenting of his sins to the Lord. He felt much guilt over all the sin he had done. He had to come to a place of confession. Our pastor then mentioned something regarding confession that has stuck with me. Confession is when our heart and soul is in alignment with God about the matter we are guilty about. When David reached this point his sins and confessed to God, his joy was then restored. 

This sermon really hit home because I have experienced this kind of prayer with the Lord. As I grow older, I learn my weaknesses regarding sin and Satan loves to bring those to my attention and tempt me. I have sometimes thought that I had gotten so deep that the Lord would never forgive me, however, I was so very wrong. The Lord is always wanting to forgive sins. He wants us to be in good standing with Him so He can use us. Psalms 103:12 says, “As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.” He will forgive us of any sin as long as we come to him with humble, sorrowful hearts, and a contrite spirit. We have to be in almost the same place as when we were seeking for the salvation of our souls. I have such a strong desire to be a humble servant for God in any way He would use me. It is the least I could offer Him after giving His son to die on the cross for my sins.

With this being said, I have had a tremendous burden for the past few weeks for my church and other sister churches as well. Like I said earlier, my church just called a new pastor. He is being ordained in a few weeks and is trying to move here to Indiana from Missouri, so he is unable to be with us on a full time basis right now, but I absolutely cannot wait for when he can be. I so desire for Friendship to grow in both numbers and closeness. Throughout the past few years we have slowly given up various activities due to the business and lack of interest of members. Since then our fellowship has very much decreased. I so badly desire for the church to grow together and be willing to put aside the things of this world (work, sports, etc.) and take up each of our crosses and bear them together. I desire for us to start putting the Lord first in our lives so the lost may see how wonderful it is to be a child of the King. I desire for us to spend time together not only studying God’s word, but just to enjoy each other’s company and friendship. We are a church, a family, and the lost needs to see that if we want to see them saved. The community and our sister churches need to see that, or our church will not grow. I long for us to be the church that we were 5-10 years ago. It is much harder for people to all take time out of their busy schedules today, but we owe it to God. I was thinking the other day that I would not call into work unless I was deathly ill. I am always worried about making a bad impression on my manager or doing something wrong that could get me fired. But then I thought, however, when I am lazy or tired, I may decide to skip church. Why do we put so much obligation into our worldly jobs rather than our spiritual ones? Being a member of the church is a job. It is our obligation. We should worry about making a good impression on our Manager upstairs. He can punish us worse than the manager at our worldly jobs can, right? I pray that we will all get our priorities straight, me included. 

This is where I go back to the sermon I talked about from the 51st Psalm. We all have sins to confess and be forgiven of just like David did. None of us are perfect, but we have been so graciously blessed by our Heavenly Father and we need to try our best to be more like Christ. We need to die daily of ourselves and do His will. We have His blood written on our hearts. We are so undeserving of His love and mercy, but He gives it anyway. I am so thankful that our Lord is so merciful and good. 

I hope once we get settled and have our new pastor here that we can truly start taking steps forward. I would love to see my church and churches all over the world break out into a true spiritual revival. If we don’t make a change soon, it may never happen. 

“For by grace are ye saved…”

I will begin this blog by telling my personal experience with my Savior. I was raised in church, a missionary baptist church, in my hometown of Columbus, Indiana. To clarify our beliefs before I get to far into my story, we believe in salvation through repentance solely between God and a sinner. We also believe one is only saved once and cannot lose their salvation, however, they can lose the joy of their salvation.  I went to church every Sunday morning and night. Went to revivals and other annually held special services. Although I was in church this whole time, none of what the people and preachers were saying really hit me until I was seven years old in a revival during October of 2000.

Brother Ron Spurgeon was assisting my pastor at the time (who is also my great uncle), Elder John Thompson, in this revival effort. I can’t quite remember which one was preaching, but I do remember what they preached on. They told of heaven and hell and how if a person died without salvation, they would go to hell. He also talked about the end of the world. All of these things began to catch my attention and I became afraid. I was afraid that if I died right then, I would end up in that awful, dreadful place called hell. I became convicted of all my sins. After the preaching was over I was too afraid to go to the altar to pray in front of everyone, so I waited till church was over to tell my pastor I was lost. I began to pray at the altar and the rest of the church began to pray with me. I prayed for a while and when I thought I was fine, I got up. I told the church I had gotten saved that day and joined the church through baptism about 4 months later.

After I was baptized in February of 2001 I began to really start doubting my salvation. People would testify at church and talk about the sweet peace they felt after repenting of their sins and being saved. One night I remember I was so scared that I had not really gotten saved that I stayed up almost all night praying and crying my heart out to the Lord. I wanted to find out if I was saved, and if I wasn’t, I wanted to be. I ended up going to the bathroom and praying because I didn’t want my parents to know or think that anything was wrong with me. This night has stuck out to me very vividly ever since and because it has, I had been very confused on if I had gotten saved during the fall revival at my church when I first became aware of my sins or this particular night at my home.

Throughout the next 10 years or so I kept all of this confusion to myself. I was embarrassed and didn’t want people to know anything was wrong with me spiritually. Pride got in the way. A few years ago I let my pastor at the time, Elder Chris Jones, that I was very confused about when or if I was even saved. I told him I had tried to pray many times about it, but soon gave up because I would never get an answer. He told me that night that I needed to just pray and pray until I got my answer. So, after we talked I went to my bedroom and knelt down by my bed and began to pray. I prayed once, and didn’t feel anything, so I tried again. I tried pouring my heart out to God  as humbly as I could, but still nothing. I did this about 3 or 4 different  times while I was knelt down. I gave up and climbed into my bed with the expectation to go to sleep, but just before I did so, I decided to pray one last time in my bed. I cried and called out to the Lord to just give me an answer. That I was tired of living my life as a game. I no longer wanted to “hope” I was saved, I wanted to know. After I prayed I told myself quietly, “The Lord will answer my prayer.” When I finally had the faith to know He would do just that, it happened. It was as if he was standing right next to my bed telling me I had been saved that night at my home. When I had this assurance I was so happy I could of shouted. I finally knew what I had been questioning all along; I’m a child of the King.

I told my family right away, as well as my pastor and they were both very happy. The following Sunday at church I testified and told them of the struggle I had been having with confusion and the blessing of assurance I had received that week. The following week I joined the church and was rebaptized because the other baptism was void due to me not being saved before it took place.

To this day I am so thankful for what God has done for me. I am so unworthy or His great blessings, but he gives them to me anyways. I fail so many times, but He is always there to pick me back up. I am excited to learn and discover more things about Him in my walk with Him throughout my life and to see what other things He has in store for my life. God is so good.